


Sausages, Bananas, and Other Adult-Rated Foods

by Skyler10



Category: Broadchurch, Secret Diary of a Call Girl (TV), Teninch - Fandom
Genre: Babysitting, Crack, F/M, Inappropriate Humor, Sexual Humor, Teninch, Very inappropriate humor, food as a metaphor for sex, girl talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 15:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6991453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyler10/pseuds/Skyler10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hannah Baxter is stuck babysitting. When Bambi comes over and asks about Hannah’s date with the gruff former DI Alec Hardy, they have to stick to kid-appropriate language to describe the juicy details.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sausages, Bananas, and Other Adult-Rated Foods

**Author's Note:**

> My first teninch fic! For TimePetalsPrompts: sausage. Set post-SDoaCG. Sooooo when I said this was a little cracky-ish, what I really meant was… Oh, never mind. You’ll see.

_Right. I can handle this. It’s just a kid. I was a kid once. A long time ago. But still, can’t be that different._

Hannah had _somehow_ ended up on babysitting duty with her nephew while her sister went out for the night. No, she knew exactly _how._ Jackie had shown up at her door with the boy in her arms and a backpack full of toys. The conversation had gone something like:

 “Jackie, can’t you find anyone else? Someone who knows about kids, I mean?”

“Well, I don’t find this an ideal situation either, but everyone else is busy so you’ll just have to do.”

“Ta,” Hannah had responded dryly before letting her in and listening as patiently as she could to her sister’s long list of instructions.  

Despite those instructions including “no telly,” she was on her fourth Caillou episode and about to lose it. The kid was happy though, which was a huge shift from earlier in the evening when he screamed for what seemed like eternity after Jackie left.

Hannah’s phone beeped with a text. Bambi was on her way over. Well, at least she had entertainment for the evening. Hearing about Bambi and Byron’s adventures was unlike any other friendship with married people Hannah had ever experienced. She still had a bit of a protective older sister thing for Bambi at times, but mostly found her amusing now that neither of them were in “the business” any more.

Hannah was happy writing her books, blog, and advice columns. Bambi was modeling in increasingly larger runways and photoshoots. She’d even gotten a few minor film parts in London-based productions. Professionally, things were going pretty well.

Personally, however, Hannah’s dating life was another story.

Bambi arrived just as the three-year-old was drifting off to sleep on the sofa, effectively waking him and causing Hannah to barely hold back a curse.

“Hi-hi!” The little boy waved at their new guest and rubbed his eyes.

“Well, hello there!” Bambi greeted. Luckily, he curled up with his blanket and snuggled into the pillow. She smiled and whispered to Hannah, “How was the date with the copper?”

“Let’s go in here.” Hannah jerked her thumb toward the kitchen where a table with the remains of earlier dinner – popcorn and biscuits and crisps – were scattered. She poured two glasses of wine and brought them to the table.

Bambi sat down and plucked a chocolate biscuit from a half-empty package.

“Soooo? Beardy?”

“Hardy,” Hannah corrected for the tenth time since telling Bambi about her new bloke. “His name’s _Hardy_.”

“Ooo. And was he?” Bambi shot her a salacious look that made Hannah blush.

“Shhh! My baby nephew’s right in there!” she laughed.

“He’s asleep! And he can’t know what that means. He can’t even read.”

“Still, what if he’s just pretending and tells Jackie?” Hannah peered into the other room to make sure the boy was still snoozing.

But Bambi would not be daunted.

“Alright. ‘S like a game. _You’re_ gonna tell me all about this date and the kid never has to know.”

Hannah pursed her lips and examined her friend over the rim of her wine glass.

“Well, you know I’m always up for a challenge. So like, what then?”

“Like… how was his _banana_?” Bambi grinned.

“Banana?! Are we 12?” They giggled as quietly as they could.

“Oi! What would you call it?”

“I’ve always thought they were more like sausages.”

Bambi wrinkled her nose. “Fine. How was his _sausage_?”

“Oh, it was quite a banger.” This, this was too much. The two gasped with repressed laughter at her food pun. “And he, um, he liked my oranges. Very much.”

Hannah punctuated this revelation with hands pressing up her “oranges” into cleavage for emphasis.  

Bambi bit her lip to hold in her laughter. Her eyes widened as a new one came into her head.

“Ice lolly or Oreo?”

“What?”

“You knoooow, ice lolly--” Bambi mimed holding the stick and sucking an invisible frozen treat. “—Or Oreo? With the licking the cream filling.”

“Ah. Yeah, there’s was a little of that.” Hannah ran her tongue along her teeth and drank more wine, knowing the next question was coming.

“Which?”

“Both!”

“First time? Naughty!” Bambi teased.

“What can I say? He went first and was very talented with my cream filling. It would have been rude not to.”

“And the real question.” Bambi lifted her wine glass at Hannah, finally getting to what they both knew she had really been asking this whole time. “Did you like your meal enough to go back for seconds?”

Hannah sighed, silliness falling away for a moment as she thought. It had been a while, so she was hesitant to call it love at first sleepover. But there really was something special about this DI. Or former DI. Whatever. Didn’t matter to her what people said. They were both outcasts, moving on from jobs they did well but that ruined their lives. So what if he wasn’t rich or posh or a party animal? She enjoyed his unique energy – like the coast when there was a storm out at sea. Calm on the surface with a rage just below the waves. But not in a violent way. In a protective way. Looking for things to put right. The rage of justice. Oh, that was a good line. She’d have to remember that for her book.  

“Earth to Hannah,” Bambi called, waving a crisp pinched between her fingers. “You alright, babe?”

“Yeah!” She shook her head and blinked before coming up with a response that wouldn’t ruin the game. “And to answer your question, the _meal_ was pleasant enough that I might want to see what else this particular chef has on his menu.”

“You think he’d be up for something adventurous?” Bambi raised an eyebrow. She had seen this copper bloke and thought him rather vanilla, but had enough experience to know the outer covering often hid surprising tastes. “Oh! Oh. Or do you mean more like something with a loyalty card attached?”

Bambi held up her left hand and wiggled her ring finger.

“Oi now, just one date so far!” Hannah protested. “I don’t know yet. But I’m willing to… to order again and stick around and find out.”

She downed her wine and it felt like the seal on a promise. Yes, that’s it. She had just promised her best friend that she would at least give this relationship-with-Hardy thing a fair chance. He was a decent bloke and deserved that, at least.

Bambi’s teasing smile softened into understanding.

“Good. I’m happy for you. Keep me posted on his various _appetites_.”

“Ta. And we’ll see about that.”

Just as Bambi stood up to leave, Jackie knocked on the front door. Hannah could already hear the lecture from her sister about not drinking while babysitting.

“Hurry, the wine!” She grabbed the glasses and Bambi grabbed the bottle, both managing not to slosh too much of it onto the floor. Bambi stuffed the wine into the fridge just as Hannah gave up on a suitable place for the glasses, opening a cabinet at random and shoving them in.

They rushed to the door and let Jackie in. Sensing his mother’s presence in the way kids do, the three-year-old popped up from the sofa and ran into her open arms before she could get past the foyer.

“Were you good for Aunt Hannah?” Jackie asked with a tight-lipped smile. They both knew it wasn’t her son she was asking, however. Hannah refrained from rolling her eyes at her sister’s implied questioning of her competence as a babysitter. Instead, Hannah and Bambi retreated to the living area to gather his blanket and other belongings strewn out across the floor.

The little boy nodded anyway. “We watched telly and ate cwisps and Aunt Hammah talked to her fwiend about brekkie.”

“Brekkie?”

“She likes his sawsage. But her fwiend called it his banana.” He yawned and rubbed an eye with his small fist.

“His? Whose?” Jackie wrinkled her brow in confusion.

“A copper. And he liked to lick her cweam filling,” he answered with all the innocence in the world, just as the two other women returned with his backpack.   

“Oh my god, you were right!” Bambi cackled as Hannah and Jackie stared horrified at each other.

“Alright, son, time to go…” Jackie sang to cover her irritation. She didn’t hesitate to shoot her sister a murderous look, however.

Hannah and Bambi waited until the door was shut and they heard the sounds of a minivan being unlocked before they burst into a fit of raucous laughter they had been holding in all night.

Tears streamed down Hannah’s face as she shrugged. “Well, at least I’m out of babysitting duty for a while.”

Bambi shook her head as she fought for breath. “I think you deserve a drink with what’s coming for _you_ tomorrow.”

The two returned to the kitchen table and poured fresh glasses of wine until they ran out of euphemisms involving food. And for two former call girls, both with a sparkling sense of humor, that took a very long time.

 

 


End file.
